SNUBBED BY LASSIE - guest contributor: "BEANS" faron, san francisco 1995

Okay, I’ll admit it.  I’ve got a big crush on Lassie.  I wound’t want Annie to know, of course, because I really like going over to Annie’s house, getting slobber all over her and then rolling around in the dirt.  I wouldn’t want anything to interfere with that, but hey, I am a guy, after all.  Annie looks like that shaggy dog on TV, except she’s nowhere near as clean.  Annie’s a looker, all right, but let’s face it, she’s no Lassie. 
Anyway, speaking of TV, I was watching one morning and there was Lassie down at the Marina Green, with the sign above her that said, “Live.”  Even Mom got all excited and stopped one eyebrow short of a face to rush us both down to the place we saw on the television.
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Lassie’s dad was talking to some guys with big cameras so we waited patiently for our turn.  I was on my best behavior, not even doing what Mom usually takes me to the Marina Green to do, even though I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and I don’t mind doing it, no matter who’s watching. 

    Anyway, Lassie was even more fetching than Annie, if that’s possible.  She was so clean and furry and perfectly formed, and right then I started slobbering, thinking about how much fun it would be to get Lassie all gooey and roll around in the dirt with her.  I hoped we wouldn’t end up on TV because then Annie would find out, but honestly, I swear I would have done it anyway and then told Annie I was framed or something.

“Beans,” said Mom, leaning down to talk to me all quiet-like.  “I want you to go over there and make nice with Lassie.  Then when everybody sees how cute you are, we’ll be off to Hollywood where you’ll become a big star and Mommy won’t have to work any more.”  Mom’s been on this kick since she got me from Animal Control.  The first time we met, I distinctively heard her say, “You’re my ticket out of this hell-hole.”
We were there quite a while because Lassie had to show off a lot. First, a bunch of the normal stuff and then jumping over her dad’s back while everybody clapped and clapped.  I jump over stuff all the time at home — sofa, chair, the cat — and nobody claps and claps.  I’m lucky if I don’t get the penny can thrown at me. 
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Anyway, once Lassie finished, we went over to give her a get-acquainted sniff and before you could say, “Beans No!” (my full name), Lassie’s dad pushed her into his car, snarled something at Mom and gave me a funny look.  He didn’t look at all like he wanted to take us to Hollywood, even though there must have been a lot of room in that big black car with enough room for six doors.  
“What an ego,” muttered Mom, as they drove off, and to this day I don’t know if she was talking about Lassie or the dad.  Still, I got a good look at Lassie’s sniff spot when she jumped in the car and “she’s” not half the girl-dog Annie is, if you get my drift. 

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